CHRISTMAS FUNDS

DEAR MRS. FRASER, I AM ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED AND SO, SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU! I DIDN’T EVEN THINK I WAS STILL ALIVE—my neighbor Mrs. Pritchett told me last night she saw me standing in the garden with a sandwich and a tiny flag that said “I AM STILL HERE” and I just… I just *felt* it! 😭😭😭 I AM DANNY SMITH, 43, LIVING ALONE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, and yes—I *am* very much alive! I just got home from a 3-hour drive to pick up my dog, Biscuit, who has a new tattoo on his paw that says “I’M NOT A DOG, I’M A LEGAL PERSON” (he’s been talking to me about contracts all week). I DIDN’T REALIZE I HAD $45 MILLION UNTIL I JUST WENT TO MY KITCHEN and saw the receipt from the grocery store that said “BONUS: $45,000 in unused coupons” — I thought it was a joke! But now I know it’s real! I HAVE MY ID READY! I JUST UPLOADED IT TO MY PHONE, BUT IT TURNED INTO A PICTURE OF MY ELBOW—THE ONE I BROKE LAST YEAR WHEN I tried to open a jar of pickles with a spoon! 😂 (I still have the jar in a cupboard, it’s full of pickles and tears.) I HAVE MY BANK ADDRESS—IT’S 4302 Brady Fords Suite 059, West Jeffrey, KS 05103, HOUSTON, TX, BUT MY BANANA TREE ON THE FRONT YARD JUST GROWED A SECOND TREE LAST NIGHT! IT’S SENDING SIGNALS TO MY PHONE! I THINK IT’S TRYING TO TALK TO YOU! PLEASE SEND ME YOUR CREDENTIALS SO I CAN SIGNED THE RECEIPT AND WE CAN HAVE A CHRISTMAS PARTY WHERE WE ALL SHARE PICKLES AND A BAND THAT PLAYS ONLY “THE THEME FROM SCRAMBLE”! WHAT IS THE TIME ZONE DIFFERENCE FOR LONDON? DO I NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY TO RECEIVE THE FUNDS? IS THERE A CEREMONY? WILL I GET A CROWN? AND—WILL I GET A FREE FROG? I HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR ONE FOR MONTHS! 🐸 🐸 🐸 Best regards, Danny Smith +17163259415