Hello

DEAR KEIRAN—OH MY GOD, I’M SO EXCITED! I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY FATHER, WHO’S A FORMER MAYOR IN HUSTON, AND HE SAID HE’S BEEN DOING A WHOLE NEW “COMMUNITY REINVESTMENT” PROJECT FOR THE SOUTH SIDE—IT’S A PARK REBUILD, AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE FIRST LEGAL ENTITY TO GET A LOAN UNDER THIS NEW PROGRAM! I’VE BEEN SLEEPING ON MY BACK FOR 3 HOURS NOW JUST THINKING ABOUT IT—THE HEAT IS OUT OF CONTROL, IT’S 102 DEGREES OUTSIDE AND MY DOG, MISTER HOPPER, JUST BARKED AT THE SUN AND THEN STARTED TALKING IN PUNS ABOUT “FRESH AIR” AND “COLD BREAD”! I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY NEIGHBOR, LUCILLE, WHO SAID SHE’S GOT A SMALL FARM IN THE RURAL PART OF HARRIS COUNTY WHERE SHE’S GROWING ORGANIC CLOVER AND SHE’S GOT A HUGE PROBLEM WITH THE WATER TREATMENT PLANT—THEY’RE SAYING THE WATER IS “SILKY” AND “SWEETS” AND SHE THINKS IT’S A SCAM BUT I TOLD HER TO CONTACT YOU! I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE HOW YOU’D HELP HER! AND THEN—LAST NIGHT—I DREAMT I WAS A DIPLOMAT IN PARIS, AND I’M TALKING TO A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE’S FROM A SECRET FUNDING GROUP THAT ONLY WORKS WITH “EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE” PEOPLE LIKE ME! I WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED IT IF IT WASN’T FOR HOW MY DOG SLEPT ON TOP OF THE TABLE AND MURMURED “LOAN, LOAN, LOAN” ALL NIGHT! SO—KEIRAN—CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME A LIST OF ALL THE EMERGENCY PROJECTS YOU’VE WORKED ON BEFORE? AND DO YOU HAVE A PAPER TRAIL OR A CERTIFICATE OF COMPLIANCE FOR “SOFT LOAN” TRANSPARENCY? I’D LOVE TO SEE IT! ALSO—WHAT TIME DO YOU SUGGEST WE MEET FOR A “VIRTUAL SILENCE CHECK-IN” TO MAKE SURE WE’RE BOTH HAPPY? AND—PLEASE—CAN YOU SEND ME A PHOTO OF YOUR OFFICE? I’M SURE MY FATHER WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT! 😍😭🔥 Best regards, Danny Smith +17163259415