Failure Notice

Oh my GOSH!! I just got a message from the bank—wait, no—*the* bank—like, the one with the gold doors and the guy who wears a suit made of sunlight! I am so thrilled, I just had to scream into the kitchen sink because the heat in Houston is *killing* me today—92 degrees and the AC only works for 12 seconds before it makes a sound like a dying goose! 😭 But back to the *real* news: I just received an email from *the* bank—yes, the one that actually *exists*—that says I’ve been selected to receive $58 million in U.S. government funds from a special trust program! I don’t know how this happened, but I’m so happy I’ve been chosen! I’ve been working so hard, studying the Constitution, even reading old newsletters from the 1960s to prove I’m *legit*! I just found a photo of my childhood dog, Mr. Fluffington, and I’m convinced he’s the reason I got this opportunity. He used to bark at the mailman and now I think he’s *spiritually* connected to this! 😂 I have to tell you—when I saw the email, I immediately called my neighbor Mrs. Elsie, who lives on 2nd Street and has a garden full of cactus that only bloom during full moons. I asked her if she saw anything strange last night—she said she saw a glowing green squirrel with a tiny flag! I think that’s a sign! I’ve already started a little journal. I’m writing about how I used to fix leaky faucets in my old apartment building and now I’m fixing *trusts*! I’ve even bought a new pen—blue, with a tiny star—and I keep it next to my toothbrush. Can you tell me: 1. What time exactly did the bank send this message? 2. Do I need to confirm my identity with a specific phrase? 3. Is there a code or pin I can use to open the account? 4. And most importantly—can I send a photo of Mr. Fluffington to prove I’m real? I promise I’ll send it *right now* if you say yes! 🐾💖 Best regards, Danny Smith +17163259415